Ollie Watkins	Skip, Walds, The Fat Cuntroller	Born on Dudley’s barren caucus, life was always going to be a struggle for the overweight, under qualified plumber. Fortunately, he discovered that standing around a rugby pitch for 80 minutes every week looking lost and then claiming each and every penalty try as his own could go someway toward easing the pain. Words like ‘talent’ and ‘vision’ seem to be about as devoid from descriptions of Walds as blood is from his alcohol-stream, still at least he’s better looking than Ronan.
Ronan Workman		The college’s stand-out talent has been playing for the Blues ever since he arrived at Churchill four years ago as a squeaky voiced fatty. Ro explains his exceptional gas for a prop on a lack of friction between his legs cus his balls are yet to drop. Immense in the scrum and powerful around the paddock, if his shoulders hold out, he’ll be indispensable come cuppers.
James Dynes	The Terminator	An untimely shoulder injury having prevented him representing the university, the vice-captain’s ‘quick hands in the ruck’ opportunism originate, so he tells me, from a hardening in the leagues of club rugby. I however, choose to believe that Dynesie’s abrasive style of play has more to do frustration at never being able to throw-in straight. James seems equally popular with refs and supervisors alike but at least he’s making an effort to make amends: next match he’s gonna bring an examples sheet to copy whilst he’s in the sin bin.
Andy McCormick	Stash Monkey	A beautiful blond mute, the young McCormick was quickly noticed as a prodigal rugby talent amongst the peaty tatty bogs and Pied Pypers (geddit???) of Coleraine. Ten years, an awful lot of Canterbury kit and a one way ticket the hell outta there on and he’s an accomplished uni U21s player and still blond and mute, but what the f*ck happened to the ‘beautiful’ bit I’ll never know.
Chris Mueller	Kraut, Pres	Keen runner of ruthless efficient lines, Christian only plays rugby because his ‘gimme’ physics degree and roles as JCR and Bulldogs president and Chief of Staff on the ball committee don’t take up enough of his time. A big powerhouse of a blindside or a prop, this former 2nd XV captain is an awesome impact player when we can convince him to stop trying to arrange ‘formals’ (read thinly veiled shag fests) with opposition supporters.
Dave Williams	Hardcore, Convict	Cut, ripped AND pumped this other former 2nd XV captain has the uncanny ability to combine a fearsomely hirsute appearance with Mark Owen’s less-than-imposing voice. Still, incongruity seems the order of the day when you put someone this hard into a pink and brown shirt and make him look like a pot of economy Neapolitan.
Jon Carter		Jon is much more likely to be found propping up the bar than a scrum, but apparently that’s only so he makes the seventeen stone minimum weight required of all Churchill props. One day son, one day!
Phil Walters		MD of Cambridge Rohypnol society, Phil has left a more memorable imprint on the rugby club over his four years here than on any of his somewhat hazy sexual conquests.
Mark Smith	MCR, The Unit	Despite being of pensionable age, MCR just keeps improving. Never one to let obesity come in the way of props having to lift him in the lineout, Mark has continued with the ‘hard-gaining’ and become fully unitised. The big man is a rock in the scrum, a lump in the tackle and rolling boulder with the ball in his hands, shame he’s got hands like paving slabs really. Still, if you stick the ball up his jumper and make sure you don’t approach him from his ‘lazy eye’ side, he’s away.
Mark Rayward-Smith	The Tank, Wayward	The JCR and former rugby club treasurer enjoys the finer things in life. A good cigar, a good drink, and a WW2 tank in the garden are all prerequisites for the coquettish rugby-playing dilettante, he tells me. Maybe so, but until his undisclosed evening job stops knackering his knees, the only playing this particular dilettante will be doing is with Humphrey the abused bear.
Liam Mayne	Leilani	Apparently, Liam is nocturnal, well at least I think that’s why he’s never missed a social but never played a match. When we get some floodlights, though, it’ll be happy days.
John Barfield	Barfso	Many of us hoped that qualifying as a ref would give John a insight into the rules. We were wrong. Last time we armed him with a whistle the opposition scored a converted try whilst we had advantage. Still, he’s fast improving and an already strong lineout force. Drinks like a fish: a dead fish that is; and one that couldn’t chug its ale anyway and gave up drinking when ‘bird’ nailed him in seven consecutive downing competitions.
James Burke	Stumpy	First pick at the Blues bounce-ball trials, Burky has never let me off for telling him that at 6’8” he might fancy a go in ‘tha row’ rather than his preferred birth at centre. Mind you, the way he hangs around in the midfield rather ever hitting any breakdowns, you could be forgiven for mistaking he’d never moved anyway. A massively quickly improving scrummager and recycler, Stumpy is comfortable with the pill in his mitts and fucking awesome in the lineout which he dominates at college and university level alike.
James Tedd	Baldy	No-one cares about his ball-playing ability, cus this ex-ex-skip got laid on the Hepworth statue. That’s the kind of commitment to the college we’re after.
Tom Goodyer	Fresher Filth	A keen purveyor of the ‘go ugly early’ philosophy, Tom is always keen to pipe-up at story time. Tom makes hard yards in the carry and his tackle is devastating, I just feel sorry for his neighbours if he grunts as loud in bed.
Rich Matthias	Taff, Boatie Tagalong	A first boat rower who somehow resists the urge to wear lycra, wake us up before dawn, and remove the sport from our discipline. Or be a wanker. Bloody hell, looks like we did a good conversion job on him. Rich is our only genuine breakdown forward and has been a real boon to the team this year with his tireless fringe work and phenomenal lung capacity.
Matt Theis	X-Factor	So quick for a forward, so strong for a mincy back, just where are we going to play the MIT boy? Our very own Coloradoan and a new recruit to rugby, Matt has made a wicked impact on the side. Awesome running lines, great boshes, off the cuff switches and excellent head gear have all found their way into X-factor’s repertoire. He’s even resisted the urge to spike the ball between his legs after making the end-zone! There’ll be no surprise if we soon hear of Colorado state doing big things in the egg-ball world, I just wanna know if he’s gonna take formal exchanges with the Sidney S.L.A.G.S. and pennying back with him too.
Yi Hoo Ong	Big D	Big D’Ong (geddit?) is another CompSci no-one ever sees: that’s because he’s normally way out of our field of vision, trucking the ball up with his nose touching the floor, or buried at the bottom of a maul slowing down some poncy college’s ball. Outstanding in the loose for three seasons, the powerfully built Ong apparently wants to set up a franchise on his not insubstantial thighs…well, they already come with their own carrying handles for the lineout.
Will Fisher		Will went to the same school as Jonny Vaughan and Stephen Fry, which is wholly unsurprising cus he enjoys a Big Breakfast and tackles like a mincer. Only joking Will!
Stef Debolini		In his native Turkmenistani, Stef’s surname translates as ‘Devil Proboscis’. Fate could not have been more apt.
Paul Laurent	Good-Looking Paul	Unfortunately we don’t own any shirts toight enough for the Belgian Beefcake to feel truly at home, but those spandex efforts the England team wear these days might just do the trick, I certainly don’t reckon our supporters would be too reticent about helping him to replace it (Lawrence Dallaglio style) if it got ripped. A Blues power lifter, Paul is one of those few guys who can combine being immensely strong with being pretty coordinated, once he gets over his vertigo in the lineout, we’re laughing.
Dave Tigg	Tigga	A ringer from Darwin, Dave has been a mixed blessing for the Churchill team. He’s an awesome player and great at luring fitties onto socials with us, but unfortunately his bionic bonce has proved a persistent hazard to other players: so far being struck by Tiggaso’s ginger nut has caused one broken arm, a fractured eye-socket and a disintegrated cheekbone. It’s a bleeding good job we take appropriate cranial protection on our nights out. Dave’s yet another one of the lads with a knackered shoulder at the mo and we’ve missed his precise delivery, fast breaks and caustic banter like nothing else. Come back soon Dave, just use the time off to grow an impact cushioning ginger fro!
Andy Jackson	Wacko	“Shoe him boys, he’s wearing green!”: Wacko’s never one to let something as trivial as a game of rugby get in the way of more important things like sectarian chat. A talented, gritty and athletic utility player in the Austin Healy (9 & 14) mould, always improving and awesomely committed. Plays rugby, townie-ball, posh-bat, girl-stick and athletics for the college.
Chris Cox	Foxy	Although his nutritious quiff may lead some of you to conclude that Coxy is in fact a genetically engineered public school rugger type, Chris only really plays because after-match showers allow him time to put showerheads and shower gel to new and imaginative uses without his girlfriend’s restraining influence. The ex-VC is in reality the linchpin of the college side and one of the most underrated 10s in the university, another prevented form a pop at playing at Twickenham by unfortunate injury.
Sam Knowles	Sambo	The cavalier 2nd XV captain has it all in his armoury, big kicks, big hits and long passes…if only he could find it now and then! Doing an easy degree means Sam has loads of time to organise his boys and consistently gets more people out to 2nd team games than any other college. Limits his opportunities at 1st XV level by purposely organising supervisions on match days to keep him fresh for his beloved twos of a Sunday. Now that’s keenness. Crap hats though.
Jonty Knight		Jonty prefers to rely on his instincts as a hard running ball player then ever do anything likely to take the edge off his form, such as training.
Ed Cook		When the Treasurer isn’t busy fiddling expenses from our account he likes to put his eyes down, pin his ears back and grunt for the gain line at inside centre. Smashing crash baller, good distribution and flies up in defence. Yup, he sounds like a blindside to me too.
Chris Bowman	Hedges	I guess if you’re Northern, ginger and balding you’d better be good at something, for the ex-ex-ex skip it had to be rugby cus his penchant for ‘pushing back’ meant it wasn’t gonna be the army. Chris has played for the university at just about every level and every position. Normally the one that has the most dummy runs in the move book.
Nick Wells	Weasel	A revamp of the Cambridgeshire ‘Care in the Community’ program has meant Da Weasel is available for more college matches than ever before…just as long as we don’t play within 100 yards of a prep school. A Blues winger, Twickenham try-scorer and a piss-poor social secretary. Wheezly is happy to regale anyone in the bar with tales of the day he munched Trevor Leota. Unless you’re big Trev himself, of course.
Simon Purkis	Purks	The current soc-sec hasn’t played for about half a millennium, but never misses a night out and is about to make his crowning achievement by organising a piss-up in a brewery. A university fives player and true Brummie, Purks solid defence and hard breaks have been sorely missed since he pinged his ACL. “Admit it, you are aren’t ya?!?!”
Ali Roberts		Rangy and posh, Ali is all we really require of an outside back, eh?!
Henry Rock-Evans	Enzo, The Rock	Rides the tackle almost as well as he rides the ocean waves, the university windsurfing president is our key shits-n-giggles merchant: having recently celebrated his 79th birthday one would think Enzo would be ready to retire his arthritic bones; well, he never hit very hard anyway so I reckon his joints are good for another dozen birthdays yet.
Tom Quartley		Tom redefined the college selection system by refusing to be considered a left or right winger, only making himself available as chick-side winger (as opposed to the mute on the tree-side wing). Has developed world leading abilities in the field of ‘inventing injuries to avoid playing away games’, with such malevolent ailments as ‘poked myself in eye whilst applying mascara’, ‘sore after waxing’ and ‘can’t make it, Wes says we never spend any time together anymore’. A uni player if you happen to meet him on a social. Yeah, right!
Andy Sims		The university ping-pong captain and first string steeplechaser reckons a bit of contact keeps him sharp for the business end of the athletics season. In reality however, he prefers to claim injury and use the club as a photo-laundering opportunity for his porn ring.
Paul Knight	Schofs	Having been a star of the team ever since he first converted from soccer, full back is the only place for Schofs, if only so that the rest of us can avoid being downwind of his rancid farts and even stinkier chat. Everyone’s favourite lawyer plays in goal for the townie-ballers and fields at third man for the posh-batters. I like to give him the benefit of the doubt and reckon that he doesn’t choose to play in positions that involve him being directly behind everyone else on the teams, but when the man classes the highlight of his rugby career as being lining up opposite his ‘fag’ from his days at a major public school, you’ve gotta have doubts, right?